Suicide frequently leaves a legacy of guilt. No matter how peripherally they were involved with the person who died, almost all survivors report feelings of guilt. It is far worse for those who were close.
Guilt is often an overriding emotion. Many survivors feel in some way responsible for doing or saying something ... or for not doing or saying something that contributed to the death. Some survivors grapple with these feelings for a long time. Feeling like failures, they become obsessed with the "if only's" and the "what if's." They replay various scenarios that might have prevented the suicide and second guess their actions.
- Could we have prevented this?
- Did we do something that caused it?
- Perhaps a different therapist or doctor or hospital?
- We should have seen the signs!
- If only we had more patience!
Guilt can last for a very long time. Reassuring the survivor that guilt is unwarranted often has little impact. it is often years before a survivor will give themselves permission to enjoy life. Each survivor must reconcile these feelings as part of the healing process in their own time. Hopefully, survivors eventually conclude they were not negligent. They did not have the benefit of hindsight prior to the death. They offered the best help they could with the information they had at the time.
From our community forum:
"I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I failed my son. As a mother I was supposed to protect him. How did things go so wrong?"
"I belong to the "Guilt-ridden Mother's Club," too. My son was only 16 and I didn't have any idea of what he was thinking ... much less that he would take his own life. I always thought of myself as a mother that protected her children and provided them with a wonderful life ... and if things happened to go wrong it was my job to fix them. How miserably I failed my son."
"I cannot stop feeling guilty following my sister's suicide ... so much it is making me feel that I am going crazy. ... I wake up everyday blaming myself and wishing I could turn back the time. I can't take this pain inside that won't go away"
"The last time I talked to him, I was really not very nice to him. I could never forgive myself. ... If my boyfriend was still alive, could he possibly forgive me? I guess I will never get that answer. I will carry this question and guilt for the rest of my life. how can I possibly get through this?"
"Heck, I feel guilty for living, every holiday mean, every thing I do with the children. I find myself sabotaging myself feeling good. It's just nutty some times the things we do in the name of grief. I think we very slowly get back our lives, so slow in fact we might not notice it. Until one day we say wow ... where did the time go, and things seem different."
